Holding On
by GONEiam
Summary: The world seems to be against her and she's slowly losing herself in the process of trying to get back on her feet. Will he be able to save her or will he be too late? I suck at summaries but please give it a try! WARNING: DARK MATERIALS (self-harm) Jenny/Gibbs at first but will eventually be Gibbs/Abby.
1. Chapter 1

**So this is the first time I post a story for NCIS. For a weird reason I dreamt this story a few nights ago and decided to post it. It's a little dark for now but I do plan for a brighter story. Please give it a try and let me know what you think! **

_**The italic parts are flashbacks, hopefully that won't confuse anyone!**_

**DISCLAIMER: I unfortunately don't own NCIS or the characters. I simply enjoy playing with them! :)**

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It had been a hell of a day, both emotionally and physically exhausting. It was more than a day actually, it was the last few weeks that had taken a toll on Abby. As soon as the case had ended, she had gone home where she sat in the shower and used a razor to cut a few lines on her upper arm, and when the water ran cold she went to bed where she cried herself to sleep.

Abby Sciuto didn't normally let comments hurt her, after all she was a Goth and her choice of dressing often got a few negative comments. She didn't understand why this one comment got to her but it did and it hurt.

_Abby was going through her notes on a case she had worked on while waiting for the court to return to session. The defense lawyer from JAG, two Marine sergeants and none other than Lt. Colonel Hollis Mann were walking by her, talking about the case, and that's when she heard it;_

_''I am not worried about the case. It'll be over before you know it'' said the first Marine. _

_Mann scoffed, ''there's nothing to be worried about. Once the jury and the judge sees that circus freak, the case will be over with'' she said._

_The four of them laughed, ''how can NCIS have hired that thing? It's a federal agency for God's sake!'' said the second Marine. _

_The other one laughed, ''she's nothing more than an embarrassment to NCIS and their agents. If I were director, I would of fired her so quick, she'd be out on the curb with that obscene and childish stuffed animal'' he said with a hint of menace._

_''I've tried it all. I've lodged complaints against her with the Director and with Sec-Nav but to no avail! 'She's got the diplomas' they say. It wouldn't surprise me if she slept with her teachers to get those degrees'' said Mann, a sharp edge to her voice laced with anger. _

_They passed her without acknowledging that she was sitting by them. Abby bit back the tears and the hurt and willed herself to get through the day. She noticed, however, the disgusted stares of the members of the jury, and that drove the knife that was already in her chest further in. As soon as she was done, she headed to her lab to work but there was nothing for her to process so she had headed home where all she wanted to do was sleep._

Her phone woke her out of the beginning of a nightmare. She looked over at the clock, 3:36am. 'Screw this' she thought as she pressed ignore on her phone and returned her head to her pillow. Her self-esteem had been shot completely, she felt like an idiot, she felt like the world was against her, and it hurt her deeply. Was it true? Was she an embarrassment to NCIS? Did she embarrass Gibbs whenever they went out?

More tears formed in her eyes as she thought of Gibbs, the one man that seemed to accept her for who she was. She had fallen in love with him the first year she started at NCIS, and it wasn't long before they started a routine and became close friends. She watched him go through many girlfriends that weren't his type, was there for him when they eventually left him. She suffered through his relationship with that smug-looking Hollis Mann and now she suffered through another one of his relationships.

Jenny Sheppard, director of NCIS and former partner of one Leroy Jethro Gibbs. She had seen the look pass between them when Jenny became director and hopped she would be wrong but she wasn't. As soon as Gibbs and Mann had broken up, he went straight into the arms of Jenny and they became an item. Abby was hurt by this, especially since the director knew how Abby felt about Gibbs.

_Abby angrily wiped a stray tear from her cheeks as she continued to process the gun in her hand. She had witnessed a passionate kiss between the director and Gibbs while she was out on break, one she was sure could of turned into something more adultery if it weren't for the fact that they were in the parking lot. Abby turned around and went to her lab where she hopped she'd be able to lose herself in her work. _

_Jenny came into the lab smiling 15 minutes later. ''Abby, just the person I wanted to see. I apologize about cancelling lunch today, something came up'' she said with a slight blush._

_Abby just shrugged, ''no problem, m'am'' she answered. Jenny gave her a worried look when she noticed the red eyes and the tear stained face._

_''Everything alright?'' she asked as she put a hand on her arm. Abby pulled it away quickly as if she had been burned. _

_''No, everything is not alright'' she snapped and turned her back on the director. Jenny had remained quiet for a few minutes while she tried to figure out why the usually bubbly scientist would be crying._

_''Wanna talk about it? Need a hug?'' she asked quietly as she moved next to her. ''Abby, please talk to me'' she whispered after a few seconds when all she got was a cold shoulder._

_Abby scoffed and wiped another stray tear. ''You could of told me'' she snapped again. ''I've been telling you for months now how I feel about him and in that time, you couldn't have told me you were seeing him? What was it? You wanted to know how I felt so the two of you could laugh about it during pillow talks?'' she asked angrily._

_Jenny remained shocked, mouth opened as she looked at Abby. If Abby hadn't been so angry, she would of noticed the tears in her eyes and the regret there as well. ''Abby, I -'' she started before being interrupted._

_''Save it. I don't care. You could of taken a few minutes to tell me to lay off. I would of. Instead, you've led me to believe that I could of actually had a chance. Should of told me I didn't. Of course I knew that, how could I have been so stupid?! I'm not a redhead, so of course he'll never go for me. I'm nothing more than a childish-Goth'' she yelled angrily before walking out of the ballistics lab and running straight into Gibbs himself._

_''Abs, what's wrong?'' he asked, concerned. Abby didn't often cry but when she did, it wasn't for nothing. He raised his hand to cup her cheek but she slapped it away._

_''Nothing is wrong, Gibbs. Nothing at all. It's all perfectly fine. If I were any finer, I would be dead!'' she snapped angrily and left her lab._

Since that day, two weeks ago, she had avoided both Gibbs and the director, even if both of them kept trying to talk to her. Gibbs still brought her CafPow! every time he came down for information but she stopped drinking them. He kept inviting her for supper but she declined. She refused to let him touch her; no massages, no hand on the back, and no kisses either. She missed it but she felt too much of an idiot to be around him.

Abby believed that he probably knew about her feelings for him, of course he did, he was Gibbs. He knew everything. It didn't stop her from feeling broken hearted. And after hearing those people talk at the court house, Abby had a sort-of-epiphany.

'Of course he'd never like me' she thought, 'I'm too much of a circus freak for him. I probably embarrass him every time we go out. No wonder he's always quiet around me'. The more she thought of him, the more she depressed and the more she depressed, the more she cried, and eventually fell into a deep sleep.

Once asleep, she didn't hear the banging on her front door. Nor did she hear the rattling of her lock and her door opening then closing. She didn't hear Gibbs' worried call of her name as he searched for her. Nor did she feel his hand stroking her hair once he found her, curled up in the fetal position, with tear stains drying on her face and dried blood on her arms. She didn't even hear his 'Oh Abs' filled with hurt as he watched her sleep.

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**So what do you think? Should I continue? Should I delete and give it another try? Like it? Hate it? I love reviews so please don't be shy to let me know what you think! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to all who has read, favored, and reviewed! It is more than greatly appreciated :) I do hope you will enjoy this chapter. Slight warning, some dark materials inside. It will get happier in the next few chapters and it will definitely end as Gabby! **

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Abby stared at herself in the mirror and sighed deeply, it wasn't her. After waking up early in the morning, she had gone through a meltdown; she had looked at herself in the mirror after taking a shower and her mind started turning. After having enough of hearing her sub-conscious putting her down, she slammed her hands in all of her mirrors, then threw all of her clothes and jewelry in a big garbage bag, which she put inside her casket. She then pushed her casket to the door and left it there. Grabbing her purse and keys , and left her apartment, driving to the mall in Virginia.

Now, she looked at herself in the mirror sporting a long sleeved grey blouse with a white camisole underneath, black suit pants, and a pair of stiletto heels. She had put her hair in a high ponytail. It looked good but it didn't feel right, it didn't feel like her.

'Gotta suck it up, girl. It's time to grow up' she thought to herself as she sighed again and tried on a new combination. She put on a pencil skirt with a new pair of high heels, and a dark blue blouse. She shook her head but she repeated she had to grow up.

In the end, she left with 6 pairs of black suit pants, 6 pencil skirts, 10 blouses, 4 camisoles, and 3 new pairs of stiletto heels. She stopped at a jewelry store that was having a sale and bought 4 pairs of earrings , 5 necklaces and two rings. At the end of the day, she had spent 800$ on a new wardrobe.

While shopping had helped Abby to smile again, as a sort of therapy, it didn't take long for the memories of the past few weeks to haunt her. She scoffed as she got her things ready for the next day.

''I'll show them, 'circus freak' no more!'' she said to herself, ''I'll show them all I'm not a child, or a freak of any kind. They can go fuck themselves''.

She started to pick up her apartment, throwing away things from her former style into a garbage bag. She picked up a picture of herself with Gibbs, they were at a BBQ and they both looked happy in the picture, like they were a real couple. It was one of her favorite of both of them. The love she had for the man was firmly printed on her face. She scoffed as she remembered he was now in the arms of Jenny and threw the picture in the garbage bag forcefully.

It took her two seconds to realise she had really thrown the picture away. She opened the bag wider and fished the picture out, but not without a few cuts from all the broken glass. She hissed at the pain, yet welcomed it.

The blood trickled down her arm, like a droplet of water when she came out of the water. It then splashed on the floor. It was like watching it fall in slow motion, it fascinated her. She took out a small piece of glass and cut a small line on her upper arm and watched the blood trickle down her arm and onto the floor. A second line was cut, and then another, and then a fifth.

Each droplet followed the trail of a the previous, finally coming to a minute halt at the tips of her fingers before dropping onto the ground where it splashed and broke into smaller droplets. She stood, frozen on the spot, watching the blood trickle down her arm. Curiously, she didn't feel the sting of the cuts, no pain. It was all a wonder to her, like why didn't she feel nothing and why did each droplet follow the path of the previous, and why did it stop at her finger tips before splashing onto the floor?

''Abigail!'' she jumped and looked up. Ducky stood in front of her with a concerned look in his face, his gaze dropping to her arm and back up to her face.

''Ducky. What are you doing here?'' she asked as she dropped the piece of glass back into the bag and moved forward. Instead of answering her, she immediately put a piece of cloth onto her bleeding arm and looked over to where she had been standing. A small pool of blood had formed at her feet.

''Abby, why?'' he asked as he led her to the bathroom. He rummaged through her drawers and found a face cloth. He turned on the faucets and started to clean her wounds. Once the blood was cleaned off, he immediately noticed the other scars on her arm. He looked up at her, his eyes wide.

He shook his head, ''Ducky what are you doing here?'' she asked him again. He sighed, ''Jethro came to me. Said something was wrong and that I needed to come over right away'' he explained.

He rummaged again and found the first aid kit. ''Gibbs .. he .. what? Why would he say that?'' she asked. He scoffed at her, ''honestly Abigail, it's Jethro we are talking about. He cares greatly about you, you know''.

It was my turn to scoff, ''he sees me as a child, he doesn't care'' I said and pulled my arm away from him, ''how would he know that something is wrong anyways?'' she whispers angrily.

''Jethro came over last night. He's been trying to contact you all day. When you didn't answer the phone or the door, he came in and saw the broken glass. He's been anxious all day, even gave Tony a concussion from the head slap he gave him'' explained Ducky.

She scoffed again, ''I'm fine Ducky. And if he's so 'concerned' then next time he can come here instead of sending someone else'' she snapped.

Ducky stared at her, ''Abigail, what is going on?'' he asked again. Ducky knew something was wrong, he had seen the distant look in her eyes, he had seen the hurt and the confusion there as well. He didn't know what had happened or who had brought her down but he had to get to the bottom of it.

She sat down and sighed, gently rubbing the bandage on her arm, ''nothing is wrong, Duck. I'm fine, all is fine'' she said while not looking at him, choosing instead the wall.

''Abby, I've been observing you and you are far than fine. You've become distant with everybody, and now you've begun to hurt yourself. It's not normal behavior for you'' he said, silently begging for her to open up to him.

She remained silent. What could she tell him? That she was madly in love with Gibbs? That she was ashamed for having talked about said feelings to his current girlfriend? That her self-confidence was completely crushed because of the case she was currently working on because of Gibbs ex-girlfriend? She knew she could trust him but at this moment, she didn't want to be scrutinised in any way.

''My dear, whatever is going on, I do hope you will find it in you to trust me enough to talk to me about it'' he said as he got up, hurt lacing his voice. He figured she trusted him but that she didn't want to talk. He left her in her thoughts, hoping it wouldn't be the last time he would see her. He knew she wasn't suicidal, but once self-harm became implicated, it could become a matter of time.

GABBY*GABBY*GABBY*GABBY*GABBY

Gibbs walked down to the lab with a CafPow! in hand. These past few weeks had been hell for him; Jenny was irritated about something and Abby was avoiding him at all costs. He didn't know what he had done but it unnerved him greatly, more Abby's case than Jenny's.

He invited her to supper, he brought her CafPows! but nothing. She refused to let him touch her and moved away when he came too close. His gut was telling him that something was wrong with her but she seemed to be fine.

The previous night had been where he drew the line. She had gone home right after her court appearance, not stopping by NCIS like she usually did to talk to the team. She then ignored all phone calls. He eventually went over at 4am, not caring if she was asleep or not, he needed to make sure she was alright. And she wasn't.

She was curled in the fetal position, shivering slightly. Her cheeks had trails of tears and were still wet. He couldn't help but stroke her hair, how he had missed touching her. Then he noticed the dried blood on her arm and sighed as he closed his eyes. ''Oh Abs'' he had said quietly.

The last time she had cut herself, that he knew of, was the first year they had met following her very public breakup with an NCIS agent, James Burke. But looking at her arm, he could see the outline of other scars that weren't old.

He left an hour later and waited for her in her lab but she never showed. He called and called but there were no answer. Perhaps she was ignoring the call once she saw the name? He couldn't take it anymore, he needed to know what was wrong, needed to know she was alright.

As he drove, his thoughts drifted back to the situation he was in. While he cared for Jenny, he didn't love her. Jenny, just like all his ex-girlfriends, was a replacement for what his heart wanted but couldn't get. He hated to think of the women that were in his life that way, but it was the truth.

For a long time, Shannon had been his one true love. She died and he continued to love her, but not without trying to move on. He had repeatedly gotten married to try and forget the ache that was in his heart but to no avail. That was until he met one Abigail Scuito.

The first moment, he felt his shoulders and heart lighten, it was like all his troubles and heartaches had flown away. He acted impatient and rough with her but she took it all with a smile as if his attempts were futile, and they were. After the first 3 hours, she had become his salvation. She made his smile and laugh, made him be himself again. She accepted him as he was and never tried to change him, she never pushed for information and let him go to her when he needed it. She made his heart skip, his breathe hitch, and his attention waver whenever he was with her. If it weren't for his military training, he would of probably have trouble being around her with his concentration intact. It was like, all coherent thoughts flew out of his brain, he was tongue-tied in his presence. It took a few months before he realised he had fallen in love with the happy Goth, but she was a dear friend, his best friend and he didn't want to ruin that. He loved her too much to put her at risk, he cared too much to lose her.

Walking up the flight of stairs up to her apartment, he immediately knew something was wrong. He knocked loudly and then tried the handle. The apartment was unlocked, a rarity in itself. Abby never went anywhere without locking the door, that he knew was a fact.

The apartment looked to have been ransacked; pieced of broken mirror littered the floor, pieces of ripped clothes and broken jewelry were found in her bedroom. Her coffin, her most prized possession, was beside the door, left forgotten. He noticed a few scratches on the side and a few bumps in the wood. He opened it and found a big garbage bag filled with her usual gothic clothes and jewelry. He sighed and left, taking a minute to lock the door. He then walked quickly to his car and started to call her again but she never answered.

As he drove to his house, he dialed Ducky's number hoping the doctor could help him with the usually bubbly Goth. ''Duck, something is wrong with Abby. Can you please check up on her?'' he asked. Ducky, who had a soft spot for the woman, agreed immediately. Once they had hung up, Ducky made his way to Abby's while Gibbs made his way home hoping to talk to Jenny.

He walked inside, relieved the discussion would take place here and not at NCIS. Jenny was rummaging through her purse, probably looking for her cellphone. She smiled when she saw him, but the smile immediately left her face once she saw the concern on his face.

''I know you know what's been going on with Abby'' he said as he stood in front of her. ''Abby has been avoiding you as well, so either it's something you did and she's taking it out on both of us, or it's something to do with the two of us''.

Jenny shook her head, ''I can't tell you'' she whispered. She had fallen in love with Jethro the second they had met but she had to make a decision and decided to save herself and leave him behind, a decision that had continued to haunt her for the rest of her life. She was more than happy to work with him again, even if he was difficult, but in the end, it was worth it. They got together again and it was as if the fire from the first time they were together had returned stronger.

At this point, she was in a difficult position. She knew her friend loved the man she loved herself, and now her friend was suffering emotionally because she never said anything. She wanted to help her friend, however, she wanted to keep Jethro to herself. She was afraid to lose him. In a twisted way, if she told Jethro the truth, he would leave her for sure for the selfishness she had shown. While she loved the man dearly, she had a gut feeling he didn't love her. She knew he cared, but she wanted to be loved by him.

He moved a few inches to be right in her face. His icy blue eyes, the ones he reserved for interrogation, now bearing down in her own green ones. She knew that she'd have no other course but to tell him the truth, it was either that or he'd leave her because of this secret.

''Abby and I were good friends, we often talked about personal issues'' she started but not before looking at the wall behind him. He gently grabbed her chin and made her look at him.

''What happened, Jen?'' he asked gently. Jenny sighed and gave him a sad smile, ''she's in love with you Jethro. Always have been'' she sobbed out, a tear sliding down her face. ''She confided in me and I let her, without once telling her we were together'' she sniffed and let out a shaky breathe as he let go of her chin.

She could see the hurt in his eyes, the surprise, and confusion. ''She found out about us, and she told me that she would of backed off if I had told her. She was so hurt. I regretted not saying anything but it was too late to take it back. And now she refuses to talk to me, refuses to have anything to do with me'' she finished in a whisper.

Jethro remained quiet as he listened to this confession on Jenny's part. He always had an inkling that Abby felt something for him but he never elaborated on it by fear of losing her friendship if he was wrong. Now that he knew Abby loved him, he would make sure that she knew he loved her back.

Jenny saw the look in his face, a look she had seen before in his eyes while he was around Abby, especially when she was in danger. It was a look of tenderness and love. She knew that it was over, that his heart wanted Abby. Jethro was a man who needed someone who understood him, and Abby did.

It was with a heavy heart that Jenny gently caressed his face before gently pressing her lips to his. She sighed and looked into his eyes, ''she's an amazing young lady, Jethro. I know she could make you happy because I know how much she loves you. Go get her, and I wish you the best to both of you'' she whispered before leaving the house and the man she loved behind. It was hard, but she knew it was to be done. She couldn't stand in front of a love like this one.

Jethro sat down on his couch as he contemplated the turn of events. Abby loved him, Jenny had left him, with her blessing, so he could be with Abby. Now he had to find a way for Abby to be with him.

Just as he was about to leave the house to find Abby, to declare his love for her, Ducky came in bearing a look of the utmost concern. ''Dear Jethro, I fear something is greatly wrong with our dear Abigail'' said Ducky. Knowing her dark past, he knew he had to find Abby, before it was too late.

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**I apologize for leaving it on a cliff-hanger but I felt it was the best place to leave it at! No worries, I am working on the next chapter! **

**Don't be afraid to leave a comment, it is always appreciated! Let's me know people want me to continue this story. So please, don't be shy to let me know if I should continue or drop it, I love comments whether they are negative or positive! Hope you enjoyed it! :)**


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